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    黑夜,给了我黑色的眼睛

    黑夜,给了我黑色的眼睛


    来源:中国儿童文学网  作者:李春艳

      黑夜,给了我黑色的眼睛,我却用它寻找光明。黑夜,伴着我成长的每一页。

      (一)
      2004年,黑夜在作祟。
      那夜,天黑得一望无际,眯起眼睛,还能看到几颗隐隐若现的星星。
      妈妈慢慢地骑着自行车,我坐在后座,东张西望。
      突然,毫无征兆地,妈妈轻轻的开口:“艳艳,爸爸妈妈去北京上班,好吗?”
      “不行不行,为什么要去北京上班啊,在家里不行吗?”我伸出双手,紧紧环住妈妈的腰,死死的盯着妈妈的背,想要阻止妈妈这个危险的念头。
      “爸爸妈妈去北京,可以挣钱,给你买好看的衣服,带你去吃好吃的东西啊。”妈妈的声音透着一丝无奈,但她依旧轻轻的说着。
      “我不要衣服,我也不要好吃的,你们不要走好不好?以后我再也不缠着你们买东西了,再也不要零花钱了,你们别走啊!你们走了我怎么办,不让你们走!”我握紧了环着妈妈的手,头死死地抵着妈妈的背,带着哭腔,希望自己的挽留足够留下她。
      “傻孩子,妈妈就是问问,就是问问……”我得到了想要的答案,又或是自我安慰的一种方式,我不再问了,只是静静地靠在妈妈背上。现在想想,那时的自己太简单了,如果我可以多做一些挽留,如果我能够改变这一切,如果……如果,是这个世界上最残忍的词汇。
      也许,就是从那时起,黑夜开始渗透进我的生活。

      (二)
      2005年,大年初一,黑夜正式登陆我的生活,转变正在开始。
      春节收到了大人们给的压岁钱,跟表弟缩在客厅的角落里,从一个个红包里掏出钱来,比着谁的张数多。获胜后的我拿着压岁钱走回房间,一打开房门,沾沾自喜的心情瞬间被击得粉碎,眼泪汹涌着,夺眶而出。妈妈,在收拾行李,爸爸和奶奶站在一边,皱着眉。
      “妈妈,不是说好了不走的吗?你不要走,不要走啊。”我一遍又一遍地重复着,重复着,奶奶把我揽在怀里,擦着我的眼泪。
      我挣出奶奶的怀抱,试图阻拦妈妈。爸爸一把抓住我,“不许哭!听到没有,别再哭了!”我没有理会爸爸的声音,只是挣扎着,不干地扭动着。爸爸急了,踹了我一脚,不许我哭。全身的力气好像瞬间抽干了,我不再挣扎,只是歪在奶奶身上小声的啜泣。直到妈妈拿着行李出了门,下了楼梯,我拼命奔到阳台,站上板凳,把脑袋伸出窗外,看着妈妈走出楼梯间,用尽最后的力气,大声的喊着:“妈妈,到了北京以后,记得给我打电话啊,还要给我写信啊!妈妈!再见!”妈妈笑着点了头,回了声再见,便头也不回的走出院子。
      妈妈的脸上没有一丝难过的表情,她很从容,至少在我看来,她是这样的,她并没有舍不得,没有舍不得我,没有舍不得这个家。
      而我,一直在哭,真的不知道哪里来得这么多眼泪可以流,直到哭得高烧不退,哭得上吐下泻,整个人瘫在床上,爸爸照顾着我,每次稍有意识的时候,都能感觉到他在我身边。可是,妈妈不在,心脏好像被挖去了一块,空空的,黑夜趁虚而入,也好,填满了至少比空缺着好。

      (三)
      2005年,3月,白天和黑夜争夺着,我知道,白天的我是快乐的,晚上的我是孤单的。
      小学三年级开学的日子,爸爸也去了北京,我交由奶奶照顾,奶奶很疼爱我,可是,我太贪心了。
      白天在学校里,时间过得很快,一节课又一节课,我很快乐,快乐地读书,快乐地玩耍,快乐的玩耍。晚上回到家,一个人坐在屋子里,有时候写着写着作业,就会莫名其妙地流泪;有时候灌钢笔水,弄得一手墨水,就会看着桌子另一端,以前妈妈就是坐在那里帮我灌钢笔水;有时候脾气很暴躁,会跟奶奶顶嘴,把奶奶气哭了,我就跟奶奶一起哭;有时候学校开家长会,晚上教室里家长很多,只有爷爷一个灰白着头发的老人坐在年轻的爸爸妈妈们中间,窗外的我,心痛的无法自拔,或是心痛爷爷的白发,或是心痛自己的无助。
      那时候,很讨厌黑夜的自己,又或是白天的暂时遗忘麻痹了痛觉神经。黑夜的我,会痛,会怨,会想念。

      (四)
      2006年,8月,黑夜瞬间吞噬了理智,很庆幸,它退去的很快。
      暑假,我会一个坐车去北京,寒假,爸爸妈妈会回家过年。假期开始的时候,我总会掩藏着内心欢呼雀跃着的幸福感,但是,假期过去一半时,我就会患得患失,掰着手指,算着距分别还有多少天。直到现在,我都很害怕分别的场面,会抑制不住地流泪,抑制不住地心痛。
      爸爸妈妈去了北京之后,在大舅的公司里工作。大舅妈身体不好,妈妈就干脆住在大舅家里,照顾着表妹。暑假的时候,我也跟妈妈一起住在大舅妈家里,我跟妈妈挤在一张小床上。那时大舅的公司在起步阶段,日子过得很辛苦,爸爸住在办公室里,不过,我最幸福的时候,就是跟爸爸妈妈挤在沙发床上,那时候,很喜欢拥挤感觉。终于,在黑夜,我也可以很幸福。
      妈妈对表妹很好,总是要我处处忍让,黑夜总在白天蠢蠢欲动,直到那个闷热潮湿的夜晚,黑夜吞噬了我最后一丝理智。
      “我恨你!”我从没想过这三个字会从我口中说出,更没想过我竟对妈妈说出了这三个字。妈妈呆愣了一下,拿起几本书,狠狠地朝我丢了过来。
      也许,黑夜的发作,不只是因为嫉妒,更是因为积压已久的埋怨,2005年春节,妈妈走时,透过朦胧的泪眼,我一直在看着妈妈的一举一动,她很平静,没有一丝难过的痕迹,我不怨她丢下我,但我却怨她的平静。
      那晚,妈妈带我去河边散步,在河边的长椅上,我们坐了很久。她说了些什么,我早已不记得,但是那天的黑夜,在那一瞬的爆发后,我释怀了。

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